Monday, October 10, 2011

Yes, God. I hear you now.

First of all...I know! I told y'all that I wouldn't be very good with this blogging thing. But I am here now and would like to share my thoughts. :)

So, this school year has been CRAZY! I definitely knew what I was getting into considering my entire family is in the teaching kids business but, spirit has been overloaded since, oh I don't know, August. I was really struggling to find balance with what was really important and what just needed to be left alone so I could fully enjoy my family. I won't say that I am 100% there but I am A LOT closer. :)

As soon as I started to even out my crazy girl, mommy, wife, teacher mind Avery makes me question it all over again! It is amazing how God uses our children to speak life and truth to us. Yes, Avery is only 11 months old but go with me here. Let's back-track a little bit. A few weeks ago I go to pick her up from the babysitter and she looks at me and runs the other way. I follow and pick her up so I can hug on her and love her and she starts screaming and clearly wanted to be put down. Well, after this happened a few times I just broke down in tears while on the phone with a friend. (Sorry Lina!) I miss her so darn much during the day and all I want is to love on her for the few hours I have with her at night. But she was making it very clear that she did not want to hang with me... my heart just hurt. Finally, after venting and crying I decided that this was just a phase and she really doesn't know what she is doing so I shouldn't be such a baby myself and get over it. I was doing pretty well for a while! Then today came. I guess I was just having a sensitive day anyways so I couldn't brush things off very well. I go to pick Avery up and she is walking around when I go in the house. She sees me and smiles a little and when I pick her up she starts throwing the biggest fit and screaming. So, I put her down and she walks over to the the babysitter and hugs her legs and does her hand motion for her to pick her up. My heart sank. I gave it a second and then tried to get her again and the same thing happened so I put her down. She went back over to the babysitter who was sitting on the floor and started giving her hugs and looking back at me with this blank expression and then turned back around and hugged her again. It took some pretty deep breaths to fight back some tears. I don't know why I got so upset but it just hit me all over again! Those of you who have had children are probably thinking this is no big deal, but give me a break...I am a rookie! I will learn. Anyways, tonight I sat down to rock her for a few minutes and I just looked and her told her "I will love you matter how much you push me away". Aaaannnd it hit me. Is that not exactly how God feels with us, His children? I mean honestly, how often do we run away screaming and He follows us, probably with tears in His eyes? What a perfect illustration He painted for me. I seriously sat there and was looking at Avery thinking "I would die for this perfect child"...could He have laid that out any clearer?! He gave His only son for us. Jesus died for us...Jesus died for me. All I could think at that point was "yes, God. I hear you now."

I won't lie...I am still sad that Avery is pushing me away so much, but I see the big picture now. By gosh God knows exactly how to get a momma's attention! ;)